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[30 Apr 2007|06:23pm] |
yesterday was completely overwhelming.
wait back up...
saturday night. i get out of work and start calling people to see if there is anything going on. I get ahold of Dracula. She delivers the first bits of bad news. "everyone knows" "people are going into hiding"... she mentions two names. one being her sister. I call adele. to my surprise she is on my side. for the first time in years i believed her when she talked to me.
i felt like shit. so i go out w/ my co-workers to some random ass place. we almost died hiking on the side of a mountain but it was well worth it. I'm very glad i went.
next day (yesteday)
i had breakfast/lunch with krystiona.
i call cassie. more bad news. the second name Dracula gave me is spreading lies. trying to make Drac look like a liar so no one believes her. people are going to testify against me. "my past is going to come out"...
i was so scared.
i went to my parents house, climbed into my dads lap and i fucking cried. first time i've cried since that night. i told him what was wrong. he said it is nothing to worry about. as long as Drac doesnt lie in court then i'm ok.
I get ahold of Drac to see if she's telling everyone and what she's telling everyone... she hasnt been saying shit. and what she did tell me is true. ha i was there i know. and she also cheered me up with another possible testimony for my case. so all these people saying "well ashley said..." is wrong and they're all trying to scare me out of my course of action. well fuckin good luck. i've gone to the police. I can only hope my justice is served.
I did feel bad about this. I thought he was my friend. I have felt beaten by this i have cried and I have felt ashamed.
But today i woke up stronger. I have realized what i need to do. I'm not going to live the rest of my life a victim. I am better than the petty ignorance of those who i use to think highly of. I'm not afraid of what will happen in court. If they want to discuss my past that is fine by me. I have little regrets. and ta boot, MY PAST DOESNT MATTER!!! I COULD HAVE SLEPT WITH ALL THE MEN INTHE WORLD AND IT STILL WILL NOT MATTER TO THIS CASE! I'm going to get through this. To hell with whoever is too afraid to stand up. You get to live the rest of your life knowing that you did not do what was right. But I will know i did everything I was capable of doing. Win or Lose.
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| catharsis |
[25 Apr 2007|01:52pm] |
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sometimes after a "depression era" as i call them, i get into these weird funks... its like i've been letting everything build up and just keep building so i get depressed, but once i've cried (i'm not just talking about one night of crying either) i just feel numb. like i needed to cleanse my body by crying. now i'm just in a apathetic wreckless mood. I dont think it has anything to do with the incident, because i know i have had these cycles before. part of me is like "omg sarah what the fuck are you doing? did you just tell a lie? did you just hit on someone and scold your boyfriend for trying to hold you?" then theres the overall feeling that i have ... like nothing is enough. i have a home with my boyfriend, school's almost done... but i dont do my work and i feel like pushing my boyfriend away. the only man i never once at any time tried to push away was the same man who i knew did not love me... want what you cant have. then i get what i want, and after awihle i dont want it anymore. I am the selfish asshole i always curse other people for being... and for some reason i cant feel a damn thing. i couldnt cry if i tried right now.
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[16 Apr 2007|05:53pm] |
who were so dark of heart they migh not speak,
a little innocence will make them sing;
teach them to see who could not learn to look
--from the reality of all nothing
will actually lift a luminous whole;
turn sheer despairing to most perfect gay,
nowhere to here, never to beautiful:
a little innocence creates a day.
And something thought or done or wished without
a little innocence, although it were
as red as terror and as green as fate,
greyly shall fail and dully disappear--
but the roud power of himself death immense
is not so as a little innocence
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| history repeats itself |
[11 Apr 2007|05:34pm] |
so the other day i yelled at nick for leaving the hose in the driveway. he was more pissed off then i was at him for yelling.... so when i saw him last night i asked if he was still mad at me..."not exactly"...
"what do you mean not exactly"
"i've been meaning to talk to you about something"
....
he's not in love w/ me anymore...
and the speech he gave me.. it was like he knew how ben broke up w/ me and was paraphrasing ben's words. omg how could i let this happen? i feel like the worlds most insufficient piece of shit.
I cant descibe all of the things i'm feeling and thinking
i saw dan the other night. My mood always goes downward when i see him. i miss holding him. he was the only man that could love me no matter what. i still think about ben. i wish i didnt but i cant help myself. despite all the shit he put me through when we were happy, that was the best thing in the world for me. and now this... i might lose another meaningful relationship. what the fuck is wrong with me?
nick said the biggest problem is that i let money and "stupid things" bother me. if i dont have money i'm not happy. well yeah that's true i have a fear of being poor again. i refuse to be as broke as my parents all my life. i have a lot of things going on right now. easter isnot a happy time in my life. my cousin just passed away a day before the anniversery of my unlce's death, i dont really like my new job, i want outta school already, i dont like my neighbors, it bothers me that nick bought a car... and i only have $100 in the bank. of course i'm fucking stressed out. arent relationships suppose to help you through these things though? its like he doesnt want me to vent at all. i dont wanna go out and waste money becuase i dont have any money.
nick is afraid to grow up. i've been grown up for a while now. but now instead of balancing each other out, he says i'm bringing him down. and of course he doesnt want to be around someone like that... it would be heartbreaking to loose him. idk wat i'm going to do.
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[02 Apr 2007|05:47pm] |
feeling down again. dontknow what to do about money. worried about my future.
i'm losing myself.
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[28 Mar 2007|05:53pm] |
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today was my first day at applebees, i'm just a hostess for now though. it can take up to three weeks to be promoted. i'ma bust my ass to get there though. grr money is gunna be tight until then.
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| disappointment |
[19 Mar 2007|06:02pm] |
so i had it all planned out. wait for my semester to end then join the acadamy. so i go online looking at the lapd website... I AHVE TO WAIT TILL I'M 21!!!. now wtf am i going to do? i need something now!!! i can try to get a civilian job, but i have to be a full time student and the civilian jobs expire after a year. wtf? no way in hell am i going to waitress for that fucking long. i hate waitressing. i want to quit. i'm not even getting enough hours ot pay my rent. i was starting to feel good about myself thinking i was going to start my life this year.. but nooooooo i have to wait another two fucking years to take the written test at age 20 1/2 then i can join lapd. then be a cop for 2 years, THEN reach my dream job at the lab. goddamnit. what am i giong to do for two years? i guess i can use this time for my AA degree. but shit how am i going to get money??? i dont wanna join the fuckin military (which is my family's answer for everythin) i dont want to waitress... there aren't many entry-level jobs that pay what waitressing does... gaaah i hate uncertaintyaklsdfj
seriouslly....
everything else is iok i guess.... i dont think cassie is mad at me. i dont regret what i did and i'd do it all over and then some ... gr.
meh i'll just see what happens. focus on school and stress about work later.
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[01 Jul 2006|03:07pm] |
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being w/ nick, is fucking amazing.
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| poem i wrote and dontlike |
[08 Jun 2006|01:07am] |
i woke the silent slumber too late to stop the change.
was once in place and had great need, my life's now rearranged.
to stop the hands of time, my nightmares must have warned
"WAKEUP" poor girl! resist not late and not be torn.
my head must have fell into water while i slept away.
time and tide against me, i drowned again today.
the tide then pulled me out, to far to see from shore.
pulled by many currents i'll die if there's one more.
foolishly gulping i remember hands up to the sky
silly girl didnt realize that was much to high.
for when black moments meet black skies
death is next inturn to make black eyes.
pulled down again i looked about with fear
all the currents smother with a hint of jeer.
not sure how i made it-but i made it to the shore
afraid of what was next i merely laid upon the floor.
eternity it took for the sun to warm my skin
the warmth of one took out the cold from those who swam within.
when the water cleared soon followed did my head.
only to find that part of me was lost and may even be dead.
maybe its a good thing, she lived a bit too scared.
but then again its too bad, because she genuinly cared.
I washed upon the sands of time for reasons i'm not sure.
perhaps to have a second chance, maybe i am pure?
had the currents nearly killed me-or merely set me free?
the waves of life came down so fast i couldnt not even see
to have a chance again at last i turned to thanks the sea
through all times of darkness, you have enlightened me.
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[09 Nov 2005|03:28pm] |
i feel sick.
cant cope w/ school much longer.
cant cope with my bf much longer either.
i just wish there was something better for me in the world.
some sort of happy that isnt a drug.
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[06 Nov 2005|10:09am] |
music is life.
the end.
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[03 Nov 2005|10:21pm] |
the world has turned round again and i see people smiling. even ben. I am driving now. he has a job. he's not depressed... i'm not depressed. the situations my friends were in seem to be improving very well. yay!
i sent in my "student profile" to the national honor society. jerks
i'm not getting anything for college i know it.
i'm not an involved lil' prick in school... no i have a life and unlike many people my age or even close to my age have the responsibilities that i do. and no i'm not complaining, i just want people to stop expecting so much of me when it comes to school cuz hey, i have BILLS TO PAY! I NEED TO KEEP FOOD ON THE FUCKIN TABLE! I HAVE TO KEEP THIS FAMILY TOGETHER! AND NOT JUST ME MY MOM AND DAD BUT BEN TOO AND MY AUNTS AND COUSINS AND GRANDMA!
so fuck school. take your scholarships... i dont need them. i know already what the real world is like. I can work my way up instead of being thrown a book and told to read the manual.
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[28 Oct 2005|12:19am] |
things are getting better.
i can feel it already.
i just want it to be the same as when it was fresh...
but when it was fresh i was still so scared and worried... i'm still scared but for different reasons... i'm afraid he doesnt look at me the same. but he is still able to hold me the same. its wierd. idk. maybe my own vision is blurred. but SINCE FEELING IS FIRST.
can anyone name that allusion?? ;-)
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[27 Oct 2005|03:12pm] |
so its back to playing the blame game..(just read daveohs myspace)... ah dave why not just post something on here about it so i can comment it and then we can both have stalkers and my bf can deny that ADRIAN is the one and that everyone else just needs to get a life..... anyways
it doesnt feel like october.
its lost its magic. makes me wanna cry
everything has lost its magic. last year didnt feel like halloween, didnt feel like christmas either... lets see though... there's still some hope left.
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[23 Oct 2005|10:57pm] |
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coming down feels funny
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[23 Oct 2005|12:34pm] |
i feel like i'm loosing him and if i do i swear i'll fucking breakdown worse than i ever have.
and i have to go to work in a few hours. wtf i cant work like this
this day is going down in the books w/ a lot of them..
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[21 Oct 2005|09:24pm] |
who ever thought INSURANCE would be my reason for NOT driving?
Ben was very upset today and didnt want to be around anyone today
Spent some hours with him before we decided maybe I should just go home and get some things done while he rests.
Its seriously hard to believe how much I care for him. Now I kinda know how Dan felt about me. I thought I loved dan but no, notlike this.
Poor Dan... really.
I feel terrible now. If Ben would do to me right now what I did to Dan... I would kill myself.. but then again I already got my karma... I left Dan and Ben left me... it just so happened that God listened to my prays and wishes enough times to make it so that I can have Ben back. Not a day goes by that I dont feel blessed for what I have. I knew I loved him in the beginning of the year when he was tweaking and eventually left me in shambles...but pride is a hard thing to get over and bite down... i'm glad I had Adele at that time. (and a lot of others like my grandma, the entire Brandt family, Rob, Jesse, Damien) wow. ... to think I hardly have anyone now... oh well... Id give up my Life for Ben.
NEW TOPIC FOR THOSE WHO ARE TIRED OF ME TALKING ABOUT BEN
my puppy is sick
my cat is fat
i talked to my grandma today... yeah same old same old
i think i'ma take off a lot of school in jan. to go see my family... i need it really badd and ben will be in europe on tour during that time anyways. tonight is my first night home.. not just friday night but just first NIGHT in general home... it feels wierd... maybe ill get some things done for once?
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[21 Oct 2005|01:19am] |
spent teh day w/ ben again
didnt get shit done
went to a nightmare & carne asada show
hahahahhaa what afuckin joke
anyways
i felt all depressed and ish
came home just got my essay done
grrrrrr cassie is my crutch for school i swear
gotta go get the psychology done now... oh man my life sucks righ tnow
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[16 Oct 2005|08:21pm] |
have you ever just felt like your heart was falling away from you?
likes its being ripped from you?
i worry too much.
shit i need a drink.
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[16 Oct 2005|01:58pm] |
Ben's fans are obsessive and they add me on myspace because i'm his gf... weird huh?
ghod how do you help someone who is extremely depressed?
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